How Sev and 'Mione Got Together
by persephuzzled
Summary: A parody on all the ways authors have managed to get Severus and Hermione into a relationship. Includes Voldemort, hand puppets, alcoholflavoured Every Flavour Beans, TimeTurners, and, of course, lemon drops. HGSS, obviously.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Do you honestly think, that if I own these characters, I'd spend my time writing fanfiction? Yeesh. All characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I'm not making any money out of this.

Pairing: HG/SS

A.N: While I love HG/SS fics, there are only so many ways that they can get together. This is my little parody on all of them. Five points to your house if you identify the situations used in this chapter (they're gimmies). Bonus points if you can suggest more situations that I can use.

X-X-X-X-X

It was Harry Potter's 7th year at Hogwarts. It was Ron Weasley's 7th year. It was Hermione Granger's 7th year. It was Seamus Finnigan's 7th year. It was Dean…well, you get the point. It was the 7th year of all the Seventh Years at Hogwarts. It was Ginny Weasley's 6th year, by default. Everything was basically the way it always was. Dumbledore still twinkled and offered (stale) lemon drops to everyone who walked into his office (and to those who didn't). McGonagall was still an Animagus. Flitwick was still tiny. Peeves was still the most annoying thing that ever passed through Hogwarts's walls (and considering the list included Draco Malfoy, the Marauders, and Salazar Slytherin himself, this was quite an accomplishment). And Severus Snape was still a right bastard.

Anyway, considering that it was 7th year, everyone was expecting Voldemort to come up with some dastardly plot to take over the world and have a huge confrontation with The Boy Who Lived. I mean, it had to happen. J. K. Rowling couldn't write Harry Potter books forever. So naturally, suspicions and tensions were high. Everyone was giving a wide berth to each other, especially around Harry Potter (he refused to take a shower after Quidditch practice).

All of their expectations were not for naught. Voldemort was, indeed, plotting. In fact, He-Who-Could-Never-Win-But-Wouldn't-Bloody-Die-Either had come up with a nefarious plan. In fact, it was so nefarious he was impressed with himself. He leaned back, steepled his fingers, and chuckled evilly (Scaring Tactic #43 from _An Idiot's Guide to Being an Evil Overlord_) at the nefariousness of the plan.

"Wormtail!"

"Yes, Master, what would you have me do?" The ratty ex-friend to the Potters asked eagerly.

"You are going to bring me Hermione Granger!" Voldemort bounced in excitement. "And if you succeed in doing so, I might give you a piece of cheese…"

Wormtail paused for a second, looking extremely puzzled. Not only had the Dark Lord just bounced in his seat, he had used exclamation marks in both of his sentences. It could be that Voldemort's mind had been switched to that of a blonde cheerleader by Dr. Drakken's Mind-Swapper, the Licorice Wands were made with something stronger than licorice, or this plan was really good. Going with the last option, Wormtail snapped back to attention and gathered more information. Once the Dark Lord finished, he appeared to immediately forget about Wormtail and pulled out little hand puppets, proceeding to enact out his triumph over Harry Potter, squeaky voices and all. Although he didn't realise it, this sight would've probably have frightened his Death Eaters far more effectively than Scaring Tactic #43 ever would. Wormtail stared, then shook his head. He had _really _better check those Licorice Wands…

X-X-X-X-X

Hermione Granger dashed down the familiar path that led to Hagrid's cabin. For someone constantly called the brightest witch of her age, she was certainly acting extremely stupid, by not looking where she was going, waving a crumpled Charms test on which she had only gotten a 99.2 instead of her usual 126 in her right hand, and having her wand stowed away in her knapsack. Although to be fair, Hermione Granger had been having a Very Bad Day. First, there was the aforementioned Charms test. Second, Draco Malfoy had been even worse of a prat than he normally was and had caused her to send some highly painful hexes towards the nether regions of his body. That would have been satisfying, had Snape not been walking by them. Fifty deducted points and a week's worth of detentions later (though she could have _sworn_ she saw a smirk tugging at his lips) she arrived in the Gryffindor Common room only to find that Harry still refused to give up his habit of not taking a shower after Quidditch practice. On top of all of this, she was having a bad hair day (most people couldn't tell, but it was there nonetheless).

So she really was to be forgiven for not noticing Wormtail, pathetically useless at strategy, standing directly in front of her. And she couldn't really be blamed for not pulling out her wand even though Wormtail took a couple of minutes to figure out whether she was his intended target by holding a photo up and comparing it to her. It was in her knapsack, after all. The brightest witch of her age can't do anything against a scrawny, mousy, 5'2" man with one hand. So Wormtail Stupefied her.

_Damn. This day couldn't get any worse, could it,_ thought Hermione.

Of course, a statement like that is just dying to be proven wrong, so with a loud crack, a thunderstorm began drenching Hermione, and _only_ Hermione.

"Damn. Stupid properties of stupid magical storms." And with that parting comment, Hermione Granger and Peter Pettigrew disappeared from the grounds of Hogwarts. (And no, I did NOT say Disapparate; all of you fools should know that you can't Disapparate from Hogwarts grounds. Haven't you read _Hogwarts, a History_?).

X-X-X-X-X

Severus Snape was down in the dungeons, as usual. He liked to fuel the rumours that he was a vampire by spending as little time outside of them as possible. (In case you hadn't figured out, he had a twisted sense of humour). Anyway, he was grading the fourth-years's papers on the effects of ashwinder eggs in aphrodisiacs. This particular batch of papers was making him vow never to let a substitute teach a lesson again. Reading the thoughts of hormonal 14-year-olds on the effects of love and especially lust potions was a creative torture that not even Voldemort would think to put him through. Rereading the last paragraph of Mr. McDonald's essay, he shuddered violently. He really did _not_ need to know about Mr. McDonald's dreams involving his dorm-mate Mr. Balthazar, fur covered handcuffs, and butterscotch syrup….

After going through twenty-five essays, five quills, and three bottles of red ink, Severus was ready to call it a night. He glanced contemptuously at the stack of essays. Not a single one of them was even remotely passable. Sometimes he wished he had a quill that would automatically write insults in the writer's handwriting. Hmm…the idea had merit. Perhaps he would send an anonymous note to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes the next day. But for now, a relaxing bath was what he needed.

Yes, contrary to popular opinion, Severus Snape did take baths. Quite a shocker, I know. Severus was relaxing in a tub of wonderfully hot water when the Dark Mark on his arm burned so badly that a ringing sound echoed in his ears. Wait…that wasn't a ringing sound…was that…was that Beyoncé? Severus was momentarily dumbfounded, then realised that the Dark Lord had been downloading ringtones again. Figures. The git had to enjoy that particular Muggle invention, of all things. Muttering foul curses about always being summoned when he had just gotten into the bath, Severus dragged on his Death Eater robes and mask and with a whip-like crack (he had actually cracked his whip) went to Lord Voldemort's side. (No, not by Disapparating. Haven't you read _Hogwarts, a History_ by _now_?).

X-X-X-X-X

The meeting was in an appropriately cold, gloomy, lightning-struck place. Right when Severus arrived, in Full-Death-Eater-mode, he saw his bestest buddy in the world, Lucius Malfoy. The man hadn't yet grasped the concept of inconspicuousness, having decorated his silver mask with sparkly green ribbons and wearing some equally detestable ribbons in his hair.

"Severusssss," he purred. "So good to see you here…some of us have been wondering whether you've been playing for the other team."

_I have been wondering whether you have been playing for the other team for many, many years now, Lucius, especially because of those ribbons_, Severus thought. Aloud, though, he simply sneered evilly (he could make it an art form) and took his place in the circle just as Lord Voldemort brought forward that night's…entertainment.

Severus couldn't believe his eyes. Dragged into the circle wearing her school uniform in an incredibly sexy way was Hermione Granger. _Daaaamnn…_ thought Snape for a moment before he mentally kicked himself. She was a _student_, and a bloody annoying one too. Never mind that she suddenly had the best hourglass figure in the entire world… For all his self-control, Severus couldn't prevent a whispered "Oh, Hermione…" from passing his lips. Of course, since Voldemort was practically inhuman (and because if he didn't hear it, the plot wouldn't continue) he heard him immediately and whirled to face him.

"Are you…intimately acquainted with this chit, Severus?" he asked in a deadly quiet, silky tone. Severus frowned slightly behind his mask, wondering if he could sue for trademark infringement. Snapping back to the current situation, Severus raced through his options. (option, really). He had to save Hermione, because he was truly working for the Light, and he was brave, and courageous, and noble, and… ahh screw it. More like Dumbledore would stop twinkling long enough to murder him. Afraid to keep Voldemort waiting for very long, he blurted out the first scenario that popped into his head. Unfortunately for Hermione and fortunately for parody-writers everywhere, that scenario happened to be one inspired by her Victoria's Secret-esque fashion statement just then.

"Yes, I am, my Lord. I have been using her for a while now as an assistant both in the Potions classroom as well as in…other rooms," Snape smirked lecherously. Part of him worried that acting lecherous was coming far too easily, but that was the part that he never listened to, anyway. The same one had told him not to join the Death Eaters.

"Well, Severus, then I am certainly not one to deny you your…entertainment. You may take her."

"You are most generous, my Lord." And with that, he pulled Hermione roughly towards himself and started to lower his mouth to hers. He paused just long enough for them to see a spark in each others eyes, then pressed his lips to hers.

A shock jolted Hermione's body. Damn that man, he was wearing wool on a dry night. Hadn't he ever heard of static electricity? Slowly though, she started to warm up. Snape turned out to be a god at kissing (It is a universally known fact that any tall, dark, hook-nosed Potions master must be a Sex God) and Hermione began to feel a slow burning lower down in her body. As the heat increased in intensity, Hermione was amazed that she could feel this much passion from Snape. Wait a sec…that wasn't from Snape…her skirt was on fire!

Hermione sprang apart from Snape, breaking the kiss in the process (well duh). By the time she managed to extinguish the flames, her skirt was no more than a hem, conveniently adding to the sexiness of her overall appearance.

A collective "Awwwww" rose from the gathered members, either as an expression of disappointment or cutesiness.

"Severus! You two are simply mah-vellous together! You should get married! Then you'll satisfy the law, too," Voldemort exclaimed. Severus just stared blankly at Voldemort, wondering if he had been sneaking one too many alcohol-flavoured Every Flavour Beans.

"Ummm…" For once in his life, Severus's famed eloquence failed him. Hermione was equally tongue-tied. "What law is this that you are referring to, Master?"

"Don't you know? It's being called the Law-Designed-To-Get-Snape-and-Granger-Together! All purebloods have to marry a muggleborn and produce at least two children. The Ministry was even considering this because of the increased number of squib births in the Wizarding population. It finally passed, I believe, due to the humongous efforts of a group called When I Kissed The Teacher…" Voldemort explained. Seeing that Snape was still slightly dumbstruck but a look of horror was beginning to creep onto his face, he quickly added, "Oh come on, Severus! It'll be _fun_!"

Before Severus knew what was happening, a Death Eater who was conveniently qualified to perform a marriage was instructing him to kiss his new bride. Quickly complying, he spouted some fibs of wanting to fulfill his husbandly duties immediately (wait a sec…those weren't lies) and made his escape back to Hogwarts, Hermione in tow.

X-X-X-X-X

_Dumbledore's office_

Hermione was still in shock. Snape was being _nice._ Well, to her, anyway. Dumbledore wasn't having such a great time of it, what with Snape yelling and screaming and dancing in front of him. One would think Sirius Black had risen from the dead, instead of him just getting married. Upon hearing a pause and suddenly seeing his complexion switch dramatically from white to red, she decided it was probably a good idea to listen to what had just been said.

"What do you _mean_, TOM ALWAYS STEALS MY IDEAS!" Severus roared.

"Exactly that. Even in school, he did a potions project that I had done several years earlier. Why, he also bought _An Idiot's Guide to Being an Evil Overlord_ after he saw _An Idiot's Guide to Being a Wise Old Mentor_ on my desk. I wonder if I can sue him for plagiarism…" Dumbledore pondered this serenely for several minutes, only his twinkling eyes betraying that he knew Severus was still in a seething rage sitting in front of him. After seeing Severus's face turn purple, he decided to say something. "Oh, come on, Severus. It's really not that bad. Here, have a wedding present. And Miss Granger, don't worry, we can connect your rooms to Severus's quarters so you can sneak down and have sex with him whenever you want. Have a good day!" With that, the two were dismissed from his office. On the way down, Hermione opened the present.

It was a box of lemon drops.

"BLOODY HELL!"

X-X-X-X-X

A.N: These are my disclaimers for this chapter

Voldemort's puppet show comes from Mugglenet's "104 Ways to Annoy Voldemort" (highly recommended reading, especially for a great laugh)

Dr. Drakken is a character from the TV show _Kim Possible_. The Mind-Swapping Machine was in one particular episode, I am not sure whether it had a different name or not.

Severus's idea for the insulting quill actually comes from Ramos's story, _Unfinished Business._ (also highly recommended reading, it's brilliant)

The line about always being called while in the bath is Genie's, from _Aladdin._

Lastly, "It is a universally known fact that…" is the opening sentence of _Pride and Prejudice. _Modified for my purpose, of course.

Reviews are highly appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Do you honestly think, that if I own these characters, I'd spend my time writing fanfiction? Yeesh. All characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and I'm not making any money out of this.

A.N: Eeeep. I apologise for taking so dreadfully long for this chapter. Life just caught up to me. It is longer than the previous one, though, so hopefully that makes up for it? Enjoy!

Oh! Thank you so much to all my reviewers! I really appreciate your comments and suggestions. And go read my other story, Interruptions, so i can get 1000 hits!

X-X-X-X-X

Hermione Granger, for the twenty-seventh time in her life, was at a loss. What do you do when you suddenly get married to your ugly Potions Master? Though actually, she thought, staring at him, he wasn't that bad looking at all. His nose wasn't hooked; it was classically Roman or Greek. His eyes were deeply intense black, fathomless, and every other cave-related metaphor that you can think of. She turned her inspection to his body as he wearily shrugged off his voluminous robes. He wasn't skinny, he was lean. He had muscles in all the right places. His butt was…well…it just screamed to be slapped. As for his lower wand… Hermione had to look down to hide her grin. Perhaps this marriage wouldn't be so bad after all.

Severus Snape settled into a chair and pinched the bridge of his nose. He needed a stiff drink. Right. Now. Married to the bushy-haired, child Know-It-All. Although, he thought, sneaking a look at her, maybe the child part of his description was unwarranted. She was still in her hem of a skirt, which showed off wonderfully long, lean legs. Her hair wasn't bushy; it had been tamed through some miraculous product and was just a wonderful mix of curls and waves. Her eyes were chocolately, cinnamony, and any other food-related metaphor that you can think of. Her lips were bubblegum pink and inviting (though Severus had no idea what bubblegum was). Her body had curves in all the right places. When had _that_ happened? Oh right, in the last minute, thanks to this blasted parody writer. She had suddenly looked down and smiled. Severus had never seen so seductive a sight in his entire life (pretty sad, huh). Perhaps this marriage wouldn't be so bad after all.

Severus may have been a good, noble, honourable man, and all that. But the fact still remained that he was a _man_, and one who had been celibate for quite a while, too. He wasn't going to pass up a beautiful opportunity like this. Heck, he even had Dumbledore's approval! Considering the state of that man's mind, however, that probably wasn't much. But nevertheless.

"Hermione," he rumbled in his silky, velvety, and every other clothing material-related metaphor that you can think of. Hermione shuddered. That man had given her name faaar too many syllables. You'd think, after seven years of having her in his classes, he'd know how to pronounce it.

"Yes?"

"You realise that now that we are husband and wife, we have certain…duties."

"Oh, don't worry about that. I've already taken care of it."

Momentarily dumbfounded (an occurrence that was happening far too frequently recently) Severus said, "You have? How?"

"With Dumbledore, of course. And Dobby helped a bit."

"WHAT?"

"Don't look so surprised, you didn't think I'd make you do it when Dobby is so eager, and so much more experienced, did you?"

"**WHAT?"**

"Professor, why are you having an apoplectic fit just because I asked Dobby to bring my belongings down here?"

"WHA..oh," Severus said sheepishly. "No, I wasn't referring to that duty."

"You weren't?" The ever-so-innocent Hermione replied.

Remembering that he was supposed to be darkly seducing the girl, Severus deepened his voice so that it hit the bottom of the Mariana Trench and gave her a lascivious smile. "No, my dear, I am referring to our…bedroom activities. Mandatory according to the contract."

Blushing-Virgin Hermione blushed becomingly. "Oh. Well, I suppose that if we have to.." She promptly stripped off her blouse and skirt, revealing that blushing virgins everywhere wear underclothing from Victoria's Secret's Sexy Little Things Collection.

Severus's jaw dropped.

As she slowly walked over to him, he decided that he should probably be participating as well. Moving towards her, they came within a centimeter of each other, gazing deeply into the other's eyes.

Wait a sec…"Professor?"

"Mmmm aaah?" He seemed to have lost all power of coherent speech

"There is no contract for our wedding."

X-X-X-X-X

So poor Hermione was stuck being married to Severus. The Marriage Law conveniently affected no one else in all of Hogwarts (although Crookshanks mysteriously started to appear wherever Mrs. Norris was), so she couldn't even discuss it with anyone. Although her and Severus's rooms were connected through the Floo network, she never used it. Severus, on the other hand, used it often. Hermione sometimes found that certain articles of her underwear were missing. Life at Hogwarts continued as normal (well, as normal as you could get while being married to your Potions Professor and people turning turtles into teapots around you). Summer was fast approaching, though. For Hermione, this was lucky because then she could probably be guaranteed a return of her underwear-garter belt set. It also helped that she wouldn't have male friends around who would pester her everyday about why, precisely, she owned a black lace thong with matching garters. The female friends who asked why there wasn't a matching bra as well would disappear, too. For Severus, the approaching summer was lucky because then he didn't need to see Hermione in his rooms again. Seeing her daily after seeing some of that underwear had been a most trying experience.

So summer came, as it does every year. Hermione was remaining at Hogwarts because her parents had a very important dental conference in Italy that was lasting, conveniently enough, three months. Deciding that having a hormonal 18-year-old in the castle with nothing to do was a bad idea, Dumbledore in his infinite, lemon drop-inspired wisdom ordered Severus and Hermione to work a potion to find a cure for lycanthropy and a prevention for Cruciatus all in one. That should keep them out of trouble.

Just like the statement "It can't get any worse," that last statement is also dying to be proven wrong. And Albus Dumbledore was very, very, wrong.

It just so happened to be an interesting coincidence that Hermione Granger, swot extraordinaire, had a second purpose for all that sexy underwear. The sight of it distracted anyone looking at from seeing the tiny time-turner that she had stashed under a fairly tame (in comparison to the rest- it had no see through parts or lace) bra. On one day when Severus chose to be a right miserable bastard and decided that they needed to work on the potion the entire day, she tucked it into her pocket so that she could later use the time to catch up on some reading (and to ensure that the story continued, of course. She still hadn't seen Severus in his underwear, and thought it only fair that if she showed him hers, he should show her his). So Hermione and Severus were holed up in the dungeons all day trying out two particularly tricky combinations of ingredients in the hopes that it would save time. Severus and Hermione each were working over a small cauldron, Hermione's hand poised to add aconite and Severus's poised to add ashwinder eggs. At the very instant that they dropped the ingredients in, of course, Severus's billowing robes (the fact that they billowed while he was standing still only confirmed Hermione's suspicions that he used a charm) knocked over a bottle of bubotuber pus that splashed over both of their cauldrons. Both of them warily backed away from the now bubbling cauldrons, fearing some sort of explosion. After five minutes passed and absolutely nothing happened, both of edged closer (to each other and to the cauldrons).

"Well. That was a close shave," murmured Severus, pleased that his Gillette Mach3Turbo had delivered as promised.

"Close shave! You bloody idiot, if you ever do that again I'll…" But what exactly Hermione would do to him (although Severus didn't really want to know) was lost forever, for Hermione's potion suddenly exploded. The sudden force against her pocket caused the time-turner to fly out. When it was in the air exactly between her and Severus, the second potion exploded, dousing Severus with a different concoction. Both potions spilled a little bit on the time turner, which spun rapidly and also exploded (the peer pressure was too much). The sand inside it covered both Severus and Hermione, and the spinning caused them both to vanish immediately from sight.

"Severus?"

"Hermione?"

"We're invisible?"

"It appears to be so."

"Well."

"Indeed."

"Wait. I can see you. You're re-appearing."

And so he was. As was Hermione.

"That seemed like a pointless interlude. What was that for?" Hermione looked mildly miffed.

"I have no idea."

They both shrugged. "Oh we…"

And this time they really both disappeared.

X-X-X-X-X

Hermione experienced the all too familiar feeling of the world spinning wildly around her. Trying desperately to quell the ever-rising feeling of nausea (it would be somewhat strange, not to mention inconsiderate, for some dude in the eighties suddenly have vomit splatter all over his head from thin air) she closed her eyes and wished desperately to land into some time NOW. No matter what time it was.

She would regret that wish later.

She landed in a tumble of robes on a hard, stone floor. Couldn't they at least have given her carpet? That landing was going to leave her with severe bruising on her bum. Picking herself up and brushing off the dust from her robes, she quickly observed her surroundings in an attempt to determine whether she was in a Muggle or Wizarding establishment. Wait a sec… wasn't that Sir Cadogan in that portrait with the water nymphs? Hermione tilted her head in various directions, almost losing her balance. She hadn't even realised one could contort themselves in that position while wearing armour. Ohhhh…that was just nasty…no wonder he kept offering to guide every girl in the halls to her classroom. But no matter how demented the picture, it certainly confirmed that she was in Hogwarts. Now, off to the Headmaster's office. Hopefully, Dumbledore was still Headmaster and the sherbet lemons hadn't addled his brain yet.

Before she could take more than a few steps, however, she found herself face-to-face (well, face-to-nose) with a person who could be none other than a young Severus Snape. Still wonderfully tall and dark, his hair now didn't look greasy, but incredibly fine and like buttersilk. His eyes were still amazingly fathomless, but with a tiny spark of humanity and warmth. That spark seemed to grow as he eyed Hermione up and down.

"And who might you be?" he attempted to rumble.

Hermione looked down to hide her ever-widening grin. His voice was a mere pebble skittering across the ground in comparison to the avalanche that he could conjure up in the future. Still, the undertones of velvet were present. Perhaps the rumbling came in the future.

Quickly assessing the situation and realizing that she had thrown on an old black robe that could pass as a student's, Hermione decided that the best plan was to pretend to be a new student. This would conveniently also give her the opportunity to snog Severus, whom she thought looked even more delectable than his older self, due to the lack of lines on his face. Figuring there was no time like the present to begin, she smiled seductively and purred.

"I'm a new student. I don't suppose that you could take me?"

Hermione grinned evilly. She could practically see him realising the innuendo and the conflicting thoughts running through his mind. The fact that his face was slowly suffusing to a deep blush but he had a distinct predatory glint in his eye as he looked at her only confirmed it.

"To the Headmaster's office, that is."

Severus visibly deflated (both overall and in the front of his robes) but agreed. The girl could become a Slytherin, after all. And that would conveniently give him the opportunity to snog her.

_Dumbledore's office, 15 minutes later._

"…and that seems to be the situation." Hermione finished.

If she was hoping for a non-sherbet-lemon-infected Headmaster, she was sorely disappointed. It really made a person wonder how he managed that façade of being the invincible, all-powerful person of whom Voldemort was afraid. Then again, this bouncy Headmaster who seemed to have eaten special brownies was infinitely more frightening to Hermione than anything else she had ever seen. Perhaps it worked the same way with Voldemort. Hermione knew that being told that Dumbledore's favourite socks had flashing Betty Boop's on them was one of the scariest things in her life.

"Well, m'dear, I unfortunately have no way of sending you back to your own time right now, so you might as well get comfortable and enjoy your time here. Go around, meet people, snog Severus like you want to, and have loads of fun! Just don't mess up the timeline, OK? Because that could be annoying. Now, why don't you get Mr. Snape to show you to Potions, since he's clearly listening at the door and knows that you're from the future."

Hermione shrugged. It sounded like a plan to her.

_Potions classroom, the dungeons._

"Mr. Snape, you're late!" rebuked Professor Wibblewobble. Severus smugly (and sexily, Hermione mentally added) produced the note from Dumbledore which explained his tardiness and Hermione's presence.

"Alright. Class, we have a new student, Miss Helen Meadows. Since everyone else has already partnered up, you two will work together for this assignment. It is a month long project where you pick a potion, write 5 feet of parchment on it, and brew it for a grade."

Hermione and Severus nodded that they understood, and took their spots at a cauldron.

"I want to make the "OMG-It's-Incredibly-Difficult-that-Only-I-With-My-Mad-Skills-Can-Make Potion!" demanded Severus and Hermione at the same time.

There was a pause.

"Whoa, you're good at Potions?" Severus's surprise was genuine.

"Whoa, you're good at Potions too?" Hermione's wasn't.

"Sweeeeet. That must mean we're compatible for life. Wanna snog?"

"We can't yet. I have to fall gravely ill first so that you can take care of me and have some quality bonding time."

"Oh. But that takes too much time." Severus complained.

"Well… you haven't rescued me from some dreadful situation, nor have you put me out of some misery…how can I snog you when you haven't done any of this?" Hermione fretted, because she really just wanted to get to the snogging.

Severus thought for a moment, then quickly pulled out his wand and muttered a jinx under his breath, causing Hermione to sprout boils all over her body.

"What the hell?"

"Don't worry, I will save you!" And with that, he quickly muttered the countercurse and Hermione had her beautiful, creamy, unblemished skin again.

"Oh, my hero!"

"Can we snog now?"

X-X-X-X-X

And thus, Severus and Hermione fell in love. They did absolutely everything together. They visited their special spot in the Forbidden Forest. They shared a butterbeer in The Three Broomsticks. They traveled to London. Paris. Rome. They visited all 14 Wonders of the World (magical and Muggle). They viewed the aurora borealis. They snogged in every known corner and classroom of Hogwarts (and a few unknown ones, too). Severus was pleased that his seduction had been so simple. Hermione was pleased that her seduction had been so simple.

It was all perfectly peachy until the day Dumbledore summoned Hermione to his office.

_Crap_, thought Hermione, _Has he found out what I did with that underwear?_

"My dear, you will be pleased to know that we have miraculously found a way to send you back home! It's quite complicated, involving a stolen time-turner from the Ministry, an immensely complicated potion that is one of Rowena Ravenclaw's original recipes, and lemon drops." Dumbledore announced.

_Home? Oh, right. The future. Where I'm from. Riiiiiiight._

"Soo…will I be going back right now?"

"Yup! Here, drink this!" cried Dumbledore and threw a potion down her throat.

"NOOOOOO! I HAVEN'T SAID GOODBYE TO SEVERUS YET!" And Hermione raced out of the office to find him. Through the corridors and ghosts, up and down and under stairs, Severus was finally in the very last place she looked for him. Why exactly he appeared to be tanning himself by the lake was a question that Hermione ignored in her moment of pressing need.

"Hermione? What's the matter my love, sweetheart, honeybunch, cupcake, snoogly-woogly?"

"Severus...it's time."

"Time to disco? Yessss," Severus gleefully said, breaking out into some sweet dance moves.

"No, not time to _disco_. Honestly," tutted Hermione. "It's time…for me to leave."

Her words fell with a thud at Severus's feet. As if he didn't have enough broken appendages already. Now broken toes would be added to the list. "But...but..."

"I love you, Severus. Never forget that." Hermione whispered.

They desperately pressed their lips together, seeking comfort, passion, and in Severus's case, some of that apple pie that had been served at lunch. Arms encircled each other in a mad embrace as they snogged at a standard that couples everywhere would try to reach for the next twenty years (no one equaled it except their future selves).

"Hermione? Hermione, don't leave me!" Severus cried as she slowly faded away in his arms, leaving him clutching nothing but empty air.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Severus yelled desperately, beating out Darth Vader for the Oscar for "Most Number of O's in a Desperate Cry of Agony." "Come back, Hermione, please come back!"

Minutes ticked by, Severus still waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

And… and then Severus getting up and going for dinner, hoping there was more apple pie.

X-X-X-X-X

Severus Snape was inside a closet.

It was quite uncomfortable, too. There were pink feather boas hanging from every possible hook in the cabinet, along with black fishnet tights and lots of glitter. Adding to his discomfort were several batons. Severus had a suspicion that they were fire tipped.

Anyway, other than wondering what all of those things were doing in a closet, you might be wondering why _Severus _was in a closet.

_Flashback_

Severus too was experiencing some nausea-inducing G-forces as he hurtled through time. Unlike Hermione, however, he had no qualms about throwing up on a person, and promptly emptied his stomach. It seemed to help, for he crash-landed on a hard stone floor seconds after the last of the digested Froot-Loops exited his mouth.

_Ouch…my poor bum…_

Quickly recognising the indignity of sprawling on the floor, the Potions Master gathered his robes around him, plastered a sneer upon his countenance and examined his surroundings. Having lived most of his life at Hogwarts, it was no surprise that he realised where he was immediately.

_Please, please, PLEASE let me be in the future!_

Severus's past, as most of you may know, was not something that he wanted to revisit. Starting from his parents, who acted like characters out of a Dr. Seuss story on special brownies, to Voldemort, who acted like he was sneaking alcoholic Licorice Wands and Every Flavour Beans, to the Marauders, who were just on crack.

Basically, Severus's life could be used as one of the Anti-Drug commercials.

But enough of the mandatory flashback to Severus's tormented past. Trying to avoid being seen, he stalked panther-like to Dumbledore's office, humming his own theme music along the way. Reaching the office without any hassles, he spent ten minutes trying to figure out the password (Drooble's Best Blowing Gum) and stormed into the familiar circular office.

"ALBUS!"

Several minutes later the entire situation was explained, Severus was eternally thankful that he was, indeed, in the future, and Albus was reassuring Severus that he would back in his own time in no time. He then spent several more minutes laughing at his own wit. Severus was near to losing his patience when a very familiar yell came up the stairs.

"ALBUS!"

_Hey…that sounds like ME_.

"It IS you, Severus!" Albus shrieked. Severus started, wondering if Albus had been reading those psychic (psycho, in Severus's opinion) guide books again. But before he could voice this thought, Albus opened his mouth again. "Quick! Get yourself into that closet there! Your future self cannot see you here!"

And we come neatly back to Severus in a closet.

There were convenient peep-holes in it so that he could clearly see everything that was going on. And what was going on was far more interesting than examining how he looked in a pink feather boa.

Severus Snape was watching himself storm and rant and rage about some highlighter coloured goop all over him (though he had no idea what a highlighter was). Interestingly enough, he had managed to incorporate some disco moves into the ranting. Lots of finger-pointing up and down was going on.

What was even more interesting, however, was the woman who walked in behind Future-Severus. She had one heck of a voluptuous body, beautiful brown hair with golden brown, auburn, and honey highlights. Her open black robe only revealed more of her perfectness with her form-fitting (heaven forbid she wear anything otherwise) white shirt, black skirt, and…were those knee high stiletto boots?

Severus momentarily appreciated that he was in a closet, because he had started to drool on the boa that was draped around him and absent-mindedly shredding it with his large, manly, elegant-fingered, milky-white hands.

Kinky.

The woman had managed to shut Future-Severus up and was explaining to the Headmaster what Severus with has dance moves had not been able to; that is, the vomit had suddenly appeared on him out of midair and he was convinced that it was a prank.

Ahh. So that's where it went to.

As the woman continued trying to pacify Future-Severus in any way she could (including sticking a pacifier into his mouth) it suddenly occurred to Severus that she was eerily familiar. In fact….she looked just like his grandmother's fortune teller's niece's cousin's sister's best friend! But no wait..that one had black hair. It was a bit hard keeping them all straight. Then it hit him like a ton of bricks (and feather boas). That was Hermione Granger! Damn, when had she got that body!

A little voice in the back of Severus's brain informed him that she already looked like that in his own time. He pondered that thought for a moment. And a few more moments. And a few more moments. And then he snapped back to the present situation. Or future situation. Whatever.

"Hermione, I won't put up with this! The students don't respect me anymore. I..I…perhaps I should just leave." Future-Severus looked defeated.

Future-But-could-Be-Present-Hermione gently put her arms around him. "Severus… they do respect you, more so than they did before. More importantly, I respect you. And I love you. Don't you ever act this defeatist again, you hear me?"

Future-Severus and Hermione gazed at each other tenderly, and then Future-Severus pulled her down for a deep and grateful kiss. "I love you too, Hermione."

Severus in the closet felt a funny sensation inside of him. Perhaps it was envy, or wistfulness. He wished he could have something like that.

Wait a second….

This was the future. This was happening between himself and Hermione. So that means…

It was a lucky thing that the future couple had already left Dumbledore's office, because it was a wild man who burst out of the closet, sputtering through pink feathers that he needed to go back, and NOW. Dumbledore, far to afraid of what would happen to the rest of his beautiful boas if Severus stayed any moment longer, tossed the time-turner at him, and with a whoosh and a swoosh, Severus was gone.

_Meanwhile, down the corridor…_

"Severus, dahling, I see that your acting skills have not diminished since your spying days."

"M'dear, there are some things that you don't forget. However, this kind of acting is a bit different from what I had to do as a spy…perhaps I need more practice?"

"Well, I'm certainly willing to help."

"Oh good. I think we need to work on the ending a little bit more…"

X-X-X-X-X

This time, when Hermione landed in a tumble of robes, it was on something soft and warm, instead of cold and hard. _Hmm… maybe someone is listening to me._ She opened her eyes only to be staring into the deep, dark, warm black ones of none other than Severus Snape.

"Severus…" she whispered.

"Hermione…" he whispered equally softly.

There was a pause.

And then their lips finally met. Well, actually they had already met loads of times before, but you know what I'm getting at.

And thus, Severus and Hermione lived (and snogged) happily ever after.

X-X-X-X-X

Disclaimers:

The idea for Hermione's name in the past comes because Hermione was the name of the daughter of Helen of Troy. Also, a grange is like a meadow.

The idea of there being magical wonders of the world comes from Eoin Colfer's _Artemis Fowl and the Opal Deception._

I believe snoogly-woogly is the nickname used by Mike in _Monster's, Inc._

Reviews are greatly appreciated.


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